“The more I observe myself, and others, the more I find universal patterns, wounds and dreams. We are unique in many ways – we´re also astonishingly similar.
One of our common wounds is the sense of UNWORTHINESS. We believe we´re not worthy of happiness.
We don´t actually say it: I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Nope. That would be easy to identify – we would notice the nonsense, the suicidal impulse and our ego would lose the battle.
We don´t say out loud – we just believe in it, and act accordingly, which is more than enough to screw us up.
Have you caught yourself feeling guilty when you´re happy? I have.
“Too happy for my own good”, I´ll whisper, fearful of what will come.
We set a Happiness Limit, seasoned with needless obstacles and drama, and we´re terrified of going beyond it. It´s a ceiling we build for ourselves – one we refuse to surpass. As if by doing it we would be defying the Gods and they would punish us as a consequence.
-I´m feeling too happy. Should I be worried?
Worried about what, exactly? That´s the golden question.
In grew up with amazing, yet pessimistic, parents who believe life is hard. If you ask me how I define life, in one word, I´ll answer “Adventure” without blinking. If you ask my parents, they won´t blink – we have than in common-, but they´ll start describing my concept of hell. Are you ready? Take a deep breath and dive.
Sacrifice and pain;
A series of unfortunate events nobody can, or will want to, avoid.
Their parents carried it too – the pessimistic, unworthiness, self-sabotaging bug. It gets into your genes – it´s heritage passed on from generation to generation like blue eyes, high cholesterol or crooked noses.
Believing we don´t deserve to be happy – not beyond a comfortable, usually mediocre, level we have set for ourselves – is an invisible trap most of us fall into. We´d rather be unhappy – remain on familiar ground, even if that ground is a mud pond infested with alligators and foul smelling frogs – than risking punishment for being happy beyond our measure. Our measure – take that in.
In theory, we want it. We may say we deserve it, write in notebooks, sing and preach. But, when we check under the carpet, we find the (ugly) truth: we fear our own greatness; we avoid annoying the gods with our arrogance, our ambition, our childish belief that the garden of heaven can exist here, right now, on the palm of our hands.
I´ve learned it the hard way: we cannot be happy if we keep feeding the belief we´re unworthy of it. We have to grow up, literally, by paying a visit to the monster under the bed. It may be an imaginary monster but we act as it is real.
Imaginary monsters rule our lives.
Dare to go into the dark room, the one your father warned you against, and look under the bed. Don´t think too much. Just do it. Get on your knees, look.
The only thing you´ll find down there is dust. Dust, my friend. Bloody,
fucking, ridiculous dust. Grab it and put it where it belongs (you know where).
You – we – deserve to be happy. It´s not a crime to experience life at its fullest.
If we´re able to receive unconceivable amounts of pain, and disappointment, we´re also able to receive unlimited happiness and pleasant surprises.
We were born to reJOYce, not to be punished.”
Excerpt from chapter of a book I´m currently writing.
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