Just returned from Japan, where I was teaching, performing and judging. Tokyo was the city and AWE was the feeling. Awe for the country – Far, Far East indeed -, for the amazing work, for the special people I met, for the cultural discoveries, for the mental distance, for the ABUNDANCE I still have to learn how to receive with open arms.
When we grow up thinking only assholes get away with making it BIG it´s easy to blame ourselves when we start to make it BIG (have I done something wrong?); when we grow up listening that good, honest, humble people never reach anything in life it´s easy to close our arms when good fortune comes running towards us.
No matter how much I rationally know I DESERVE the best in life – both personally and professionally -, I still struggle with the ability to RECEIVE IT without feeling guilty for a crime I didn´t commit. It´s an Art, you see? Knowing how to receive. A-R-T. I´ve worked so hard and honestly for my goals, why would I feel guilty when the BIG FRUITS start falling on my lap? I´ve worked so hard on myself – to become who I am, the best version of myself -, why do I feel like I don´t deserve to be loved? Key word: WORK. I guess there´s some more archeological work to do within myself.
– Mr. Freud, please, come to my rescue!
Landing in Japan, working in what I love for an increasingly wider audience, educating myself through travelling, giving and receiving the LOVE, is AMAZING. And, yes, let me repeat it: I DESERVE IT (
I feel guilty just by saying it; I can hear those voices yelling at me: Who do you think you are, bitch?)
Which brings me to fighting the fight (?) I already have with this silly guilt sense. I teach mental and emotional reeducation in my Oriental Dance classes, for God´s sake! You know what they say: you teach what you need to learn. BAM!
I´d like to thank Joanne Pascual, the sponsor of Starry Nights Festival in Tokyo, for trusting me and to Heather Henna Louise for recommending my work. I´d also like to thank all the students, audience members, fellow dancers and strangers who made this trip unforgettable.
The actors at Kabuki-za theatre – where I spent an whole day watching plays in a strange language, manner and world -; the American singing teacher who crossed paths with me (twice!) and with whom I shared a few tunes (yes, we sang “Thinking out loud” by Ed Sheeran in the middle of Tokyo traffic jam); the strange yet wonderful meeting with Aida Nour, Egyptian dancer/teacher, in a restaurant; the people at the temples, street markets, dark corners. Tokyo itself. By night, in particular. Don´t get me started. Abundance, joy, beauty and lessons everywhere. And me, stuck in No Man´s Land, fighting with the ability to RECEIVE what I know it´s my right to receive. Ah!
It may be a work in progress, this Art of Receiving. I guess it is. So let´s do it. With the same might I apply to everything I do, I will jump into LIFE´s beautiful fruits with open arms. Just because. I deserve it.